This week has been a week of surrender.
Some weeks are periods of work, some weeks are times of triumph, or stress, or badassery… but mine? Definitely a week surrender.
This is what had kept me powering (with what power reserves I had left) through my workday:
That’s right. The dreaded PDX cold/flu season is upon us once again. I guess you could argue that this is the case 9-months-out-of-the-fucking-year here, but the month of January seemed to hit especially hard this time around. It’s like the plague. I’m talking about the kind of sick you want to hibernate two weeks through just to get to the other side of it.
Ultimate body shutdown can be a blessing in disguise. At least for me. It makes me forget the worries and burdens I am constantly carrying around. Later I wonder, “Really? I had to get to sick to realize that the world isn’t going to end if I don’t solve every one of my problems overnight?” That’s right. Even after shutting the daily routine down for a few days, all of that junk is there waiting for me on the other side. Right where I left it. (Epiphany!)
I am about to pull the trigger on a series of choices that will lead up to a pretty big change in how I will be living my life. That’s right people, I’m moving to Los Angeles.
Dani recently called me out on “being in the closet” about my plans to move, and she is right– it’s time to come out. I have been going back and forth about this event for about a year now, and I would say that this strategic life move for me is, at least at this point, equal parts undeniable-gut-pull and fear. This fear has reduced me over the past few months to a small, wavering voice in my own head that I do not recognize, afraid to make a decision for the deathfear of making the wrong one. If anything will ultimately destroy me, over-thinking things will. Simultaneously however, this fear makes my gut-pull stronger, making me want to move in the scary direction even more.
Someone once told me that fear is an indicator we are moving closer to the truth. I’ve carried this thought with me since.
I came across this recently: “There is nothing to be afraid of. The truth is the truth. You are better off knowing the truth than to not know it.” -Jack Canfield
Hmmm. That doesn’t make things sound so scary. The truth is just the truth. It is what it is.
So I guess, I am on a constant quest for truth. When things don’t feel right, I am compelled to adjust them. As an actor, this makes sense. It’s written in us–the unquenchable desire to find truth in each moment and tell stories that matter. Soooo (another epiphany!), I know that I need to find truth. My truth. My story. Not someone else’s story, or the story others want me to tell. And lately I realize I’m just scared out of my mind to make the decisions I need to make to get closer to it. This knowledge of my own truth has become a burden to me for reasons that MAKE NO SENSE. Why fight them? Let go. Surrender.
“I am not afraid. I was born to do this.” –Joan of Arc
I thought about all of this in a weird in-between-sleep-and-awake state that one seems to spend hours in while sick. Physically letting go somehow opened the door for me to mentally and emotionally let go as well. And I think in the midst of this life change and big choices, I needed that. I needed the sick time. I thank the sick time.
But I didn’t just wallow in my bed all week, NoSireeBob (though trust me, I did do a lot of that). Here is a re-cap on interesting endeavors that came my way over the past few days:
My Week Recap
I finally watched this little beauty! “Throng” is a mockumentary about the auditions process and the northwest film scene at large, produced by my friends at We’ll Fix It In Post Productions. Let’s just say you’ll see a familiar face (cough cough) make a few (slightly embarrassing) cameos. (…isn’t it normal to get asked out during a casting??)
And speaking of auditioning, this week also brought about casting sessions for my pal Amir Shirazi’s musical, “Crumbs”, that will be workshopped next month. I always find it very interesting as an actor to sit on the other side of the casting table. I think I learn more from watching 40 auditions than doing 900 of them myself.
Here is a Mr. Amir and Mr. Max Maller in action, looking oh-so-very-serious (stopitboys, immediately):
But mainly… the energy of my week was spent on an intense focus of getting through my day job so I could head straight to bed and be pathetic. Don’t be fooled.
Take your vitamin C and zinc people, because at least in Portland, winter is out to get you. (Or, get sick and super hopped-up on cold meds and have life epiphanies of your own. Wheeee!!)
Until next time,