I mean hell. Britt and I talk on the regular about the things that we scream-cry to in the car. Personal favorites include “Chandelier” by Sia and “Roar” by Katy Perry. Maybe you don’t have time for this right now but check this shit out. Let your mind be blown.
Anyway. I’m listening to Brandi Carlile and crying right now.
I’m about to finish my Master’s degree and I feel…
5. Like I don’t want to get out of bed in the morning but I have to or I’m like, fucked.
I’m not going to waste time beating myself up because there is a way that I “should” feel right now, because that is a buncha bullshit, I feel how I feel, and I’m not going to feel guilty for my feelings on top of having my feelings. But I’m also not fretting about it because I also weirdly have a sixth feeling right now that makes no sense at all.
I’m not trying to be all like “ooo I’m so zen about everything I know all the answers.” I still feel stressed, terrified, etc. It’s just this weird feeling of acceptance on top of everything else. Like, “okay well this is where I’m at.” It’s like this:
We look lost, don’t we? We were way the hell up on Mount Adams in July and encountering like 15 feet of (semi) unexpected snow. We thought there would be some, but we didn’t know how much, and we weren’t sure at what elevation we would encounter it. At this point, we had like 50 more miles to hike over even higher (read: snowier) and more treacherous terrain in order to get to our resupply point. And the problem was we couldn’t see the trail in all the snow. Oh and we had no appropriate equipment for when we got to the ominous “Goat Rocks” in the distance–a violent string of rocky, snow-covered peaks well above the protection of the treeline. Oh yeah and that glacier…
So with that apprehension in mind and with the Goat Rocks visible in the distance, we managed to kind of follow the general direction where we thought the trail might be over the hump of Mt. Adams. But trudging through all that snow and only kind of guessing where the trail was, we only hiked about 6 miles of actual trail in 8 hours, and by the early afternoon we were exhausted. We found a snowmelt lake with an outcropping of snowlessness nearby and took an early day to assess our gameplan.
Are we exhausted? Yes. Are we haggard? Yes. Are we questioning ourselves? Our preparation? Our capabilities? Yes, yes, yes. But the thing is, we were never actually lost. We had each other the whole time and this deep faith in one another. And deep down we knew we were capable and we knew we had a handle on the situation and we were also having the time of our lives dicking around in the snow and making jokes about our impending doom. These girls, Sammi and Jenny, are my family.
So yeah. Here I am in the jungle of LA tackling a huge challenge. Maybe I’m never going to feel totally confident or totally with it or totally on board, but check out my fine-ass theatre fam!
I have sweat, bled, cried, fought, questioned, battled, and loved those eight other assholes for three years, and they are my family. We’ve been through our ups and our downs, but that is family, and deep down we have deep faith in one another’s capabilities. And when it comes to the work, we’ve got each other’s backs and we care about what we’re doing. And I hope that, like the Mt. Adams challenge, I can look back on this time in my life and recognize that despite the stress and the confused muddle of emotions, I was having the time of my life.
I mean, I get to play three awesome roles in three awesome plays at the same time, in a great theater with supportive audiences. I get to go from playing a sex-crazed girly girl as Clarice in “The Servant of Two Masters”, to playing the incredible arch from innocence to madness that is Nina in “The Seagull”, to playing a conniving, sexy maid in “Blood Match”. How many actors, especially in LA, get to have that experience? For five weeks?
So yes I am scared, paralyzed, lacking confidence, blah blah blah. Maybe I would say I am lost. But there is only one way to go, and that way is forward. And if you see me, I will be celebrating. (And possibly crying at the same time.) See you at the Three Play Rep.
**Sidenote: Does anyone know if Brandi Carlile has a girlfriend? Second Sidenote: Does anyone know Brandi Carlile? Third Sidenote: Tell her I love her and she is my soulmate if you know her. Hook a sista up.