someday we will be reliable and consistent. like your poops.

Trying to get Britt and I to do something with any level of consistency is like trying to tutor a puppy in math. 

Actually I do that. Only with children, not puppies. 

No difference.

P.S. I literally just google imaged searched “puppy math” and this was the first thing that popped up: sadpuppy2 AHHHHhahahaha!! That puppy doesn’t know how to use that calculator!! SOMEBODY TEACH IT!!

AHHHH hahaaa, I KNOW!!!

…Okay okay, okay, but truly — trying to get Dani and I to do something with any level of consistency is like trying to teach a horse how to ride a bicycle. 

Why would a horse need a bicycle?  Horses are faster than bicycles to begin with. 

I don’t know about that. 

Dude have you ever googled “horse bicycle”?? It’s awesome!!

Horscycle. As old as time itself.

Horscycle. As old as time itself.

Horscycle. Available today!

Horscycle. Available today!

horse

Horses CAN ride bicycles. We need a new metaphor for this post.

That unicorn made that bike its bitch.

That unicorn made that bike its bitch.

Weren’t we supposed to be talking about something? (…And way to out-do me with Ye Olde Google Image Search, Dani, you asshole.) 

Hehehe I AM THE GOOGLE MASTER!!  ….Ahem. CONSISTENCY!!  Like the kind you experience when you take Metamucil every day or the consistency of what happens every time you stick a paperclip into a power outlet. 

Ah, yes. That. Trying to get Dani and I to do anything with consistency is like….

KnifeSocket

Make this stop.

…Does this visual metaphor even make sense anymore? Also, I saved this image on my desktop as “KnifeSocket”.

BRITT!!

What?! DANI!!!

We have an important message to share. This is the whole reason why we are trying (and failing) to write this post in the first place… so that we may write other posts!! And eventually take over the world!!

Sigh. Yes. Discipline. Consistency. Being a (*stifled laugh*) Grown-Up. Blah blah.

We, Dani Larson (and *stifled laugh* Britt Harris) vow to be better Evil Twins and to bring you more consistent Evil Blog Posts starting now, this Month of March, in this Year of Our Lord, 2015. 

And if we fail, we will still crawling come back to you. Remember how we posted three times a week for a year then straight-up didn’t post for fifty-two weeks after that??

Yeah. We remember that too. 

We will do better.

(c) The Incredible Allie Brosh

(c) The Incredible Allie Brosh

Because we love you.

(c) The Incredible Allie Brosh

(c) The Incredible Allie Brosh

And we love us.

(c) The Incredible Allie Brosh

(c) The Incredible Allie Brosh

See you next time we do stuff. 

WHICH WILL BE SOON. 

Mark. Our. Words. 

Love,

Dani & Britt

Guess Who’s Back… BACK AGAIN.

…the Twins are Back. Tell a friend.    

January 7th, 2013. We were born. We offered you consistent radness until January 7th, 2014, Our First Birthday. Then. We disappear without a trace… trace… trace…

Which do you like better? Our obnoxiously omniscient, loud (yet attractive) voices inside your head at all times as we litter the Interwebs by spewing our lives’ details all over the frickin place?

Or the beautiful, comforting silence of our absence? 

Too bad. We are the going back to the loud option. NO ONE IS SURPRISED.

‘Sup bitches. It’s me again. Britt.

And me, Dani.

And we are Two Evil Actors.

As you may recall, in October of 2013, Britt moved to Los Angeles, and I peed my pants with excitement at her glorious arrival.  tumblr_n5h6wbwxWo1r4q7zxo4_250 And you were all thinking, “MY GOD THEY’RE IN THE SAME CITY NOW!!  IT’S A WHOLE NEW WORLD OF TWO EVIL ACTORS POSSIBILITIES!!” thatssotrue_11735_1338616849 And then we were all like… static WE WERE TOO BUSY LOVING EACH OTHER TO WRITE. AND WE’RE SORRY. 

SORRY.

But! Here’s what we’ve been doing while living together and being awesome.  

———————–

2014 in Review

This is like our Christmas card to you. Except it’s late. DEAL WITH IT.

January:

Dani fixes the garbage disposal

photo That’s right, bitches. I single-handedly took apart the sink, fixed it, and put it back together again. LIKE  A BOSS. I will never do anything ever again that makes me respect myself more. Except for right now, when I fix it again, because it’s broken again. Exactly a year later. 

Britt is unemployed for like nine-million years and plummets down a death-spiral of depression and angry clown dreams.

  …Enough said. It was a rough month. 

February:

Dani stops thinking about the apocalypse and starts thinking about a bike tour

photo 2 So, you know how when your mind wanders it tends to wander to the same thing(s) over and over again?

Yup. Like since that one time when we went to Aldo over the summer I’ve been obsessing about buying silver sparkly jelly shoes just for nostalgia. I don’t even think they are in stock anymore. Some other place might have them but it wouldn’t be the same. I want THOSE ones. They remind me of being six.

Right.

I think the point is, I think about being a kid, like, ALL the time.  And wearing jelly shoes. 

Exactly. Like that. 

Well. For the years of 2012 and 2013, which is a solid two years of my life, and I mean ALL THE TIME AND ALMOST CONSTANTLY, I was thinking about the impending violent end of human civilization as we know it.  You want to talk about dystopian literature with someone? I’M YOUR GIRL. You want to theorize about the many ways in which climate change might dramatically kill off large portions of the human population in the next 100 years? I HAVE IMAGINED THOSE SCENARIOS. It was a terrible mental habit, and yes I have a series of mostly-joking-but-really-I’ve-thought-this-through plans for surviving various scenarios, but I finally managed to break this habit! …By planning a 1500-mile bicycyle tour with a budget of $0.00 and having never done a bike tour before!

D, let’s be real. You were pretty much just finding an excuse to prepare for the apocalypse some more. But with bikes.  bicycles-post-apocalyptic-vanished My plan was to take about a month to ride the approximately 1500 miles from Portland, Oregon to Los Angeles, California with my post-apocalypse partner-in-crime Sister Suz. 

(Note the bicycle tattoo)

(Note the sexy bicycle tattoo)

So instead of constantly thinking about a food shortage or water war, I spent over half of 2014 wondering if I had enough gears on my bike and learning how to at least crudely repair every moving part on my bike. I rode hundreds and hundreds of miles. I spent hours at the Bike Kitchen. Starting in February, I thought about little else besides this trip. 

Britt gets what she wished for and works a horrible corporate accounting job of death

IMG_6737  Dear world. This is not a stock image. This was the actual view when I walked outside of my building. This is not beautiful. This is suffocation. This is a Corporate Cage of Suffering. 

March:

Dani does Shakespeare’s worst play

Screen Shot 2015-01-01 at 11.18.17 PM Have you ever heard of “Pericles: Prince of Tyre”?  Yeah that’s because it’s a bad play.  They think that a couple of Shakespeare’s lackeys wrote it while drunk in a bar and then turned it in to Shakespeare and he was like, “What the fuuuuuu? Oh shit I don’t have time to fix this I’ll just add some pirates. Who wants shots??” 

Britt turns 27. Her Saturn returns. Which, we hear, is good.

IMG_6375IMG_3249 I’m all grown up I’m all GROWWWWN UUUPPP

April:

Dani becomes a valet

MV5BMzYwMjcwNjgxMF5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTgwNzU1ODk1MDE@._V1_SY317_CR1,0,214,317_AL_ That’s right, I too have a menial service job. Now I’m OFFICIALLY an actor in Los Angeles. Turns out I’m really good at parallel parking. Please hire us to work your event. I’m poor. 

Britt begins tutoring

You know what’s better than being an Internal Auditor? ANYTHING. Heh. Well. Specifically: Being a TUTOR! With kids! (Mostly big kids.) This job is so much fun, you guys. I work for the coolest company around (Quantum Tutors), I have the best boss in the History of Ever (Anna Clark), and sometimes I even get free food (Seder Dinner, yo!). Not only do I get to help students feel confident about themselves and their abilities, I get to up my Geek-Status a level or two (I teach math & SAT prep, people). It’s a win-win.  Throughout the rest of 2014 I will work to try to tutor enough kids that I can leave my various accounting jobs behind. This is my quest. This is my goal.

May:

Britt flies to Portland to witness the collegiate graduation of her little Not-So-Little bro

brograd Go Pilots!! That’s TWO Harris Pilot Grads for the price of ONE! …Okay wooa wooaa that is definitely not true. UP, you made double-bank offa our tuition and infinite student loans. You’re welcome. Pilots till I die. 

Britt does an E-Cig commercial and studies with Larry Moss. Not like those should in any way be lumped together. But I’m an evil actor, biatch. I lump what I want.

Unexpected lesson #274 that I’ve learned from being an actor. It is more painful to chain smoke electronic cigarettes for a single day while shooting a commercial than it is to chain smoke real cigarettes on the set of a feature length film for multiple weeks.

Unexpected lesson #275 learned from being an actor.  If I look at a rock the wrong way I will start weeping uncontrollably.  

Drawing by Evil Genius Allie Brosh. Go to her blog right now and read all her shit. Actually finishing reading our blog and then go read her blog.

Drawing by Evil Genius Allie Brosh. Go to her blog right now and read all her shit. Actually finishing reading our blog and then go read her blog.

It turns out Antigone is a really brutal play and it will get at all of your inner Freudian tragedy. It also turns out that Larry Moss is a genius acting teacher. 

Dani and Britt witness Sister Suz graduate with an MSW in Wizardry.

IMG_6537IMG_6543   Congratulations Sister Suz! We are counting on you to change the world. Which you already are. 

June:

Dani writes her first feature-length screenplay

Screen Shot 2015-01-01 at 11.29.51 PM

Title page, biatch.

It’s a coming-of-age story set in rural Idaho that forces a girl and a community to confront their old, stale beliefs about race and identity.  I wrote it because I wanted to examine how racism is subtly ingrained in the majority mindset, and how microaggressions allow oppression to continue in more extreme ways. There are also jokes in it. 

Britt performs at the Hollywood Fringe Festival

p_1801_i_1783540  I worked on a parody of The Twilight Zone in which five episodes from the series were brought to life ON STAGE. There was a gremlin on the wing of an airplane, water was spat into Britt’s face, I heckled some audience members, more water was spat into Britt’s face, I wore a mask of my own face on my actual face (meta) and I just went from third person to first person twice to third person then back to first person and I’m not quite sure why. I also played a guy named Drunk Dino. He was my favorite. 

July:

Dani hikes 200 miles

DCIM100GOPRO See those two beautiful women?  That is Sammi and Jenny, and they made a pact to hike the entire Pacific Crest Trail (that goes all the way from Canada to Mexico) over the course of the next 7 years. Because they are the best humans in the world, they invited me along. In less than two weeks we hiked over 200 miles, which is about half the state of Washington. On multiple occasions, I thought my feet were going to fall off, but I discovered more internal strength than I ever thought possible and formed deeper friendships with these women than I ever thought possible. It was totally life-changing. 

Britt and Dani get married (okay, Sister Liz does, but let’s avoid technicalities here).

1487895_866387051534_2029421003196335355_o In a fit of pure madness, Sister Liz included Dani and me in the group of women who would wear matching dresses and stand by her on her wedding day.  Needless to say, everyone at the wedding reception was forced to “bend over and make their knees touch their elbows” to the sultry sounds of Lil Jon in his wedding classic “Bend Ova.”

August:

Dani almost rides a bike

So by now I had rebuilt every moving part on my shitty used bike by hand with shitty used bike parts and jerry-rigged a trailer to go on the back of my bike. I had lost my travel-buddy Sister Suz to a job in Los Angeles, so I was going to do my first bike tour, 1500 miles, totally solo. (Anybody see any problems with this plan so far?) I created an instagram account called daniridesabike to document my journey. 

About to set off from Astoria, Oregon to Los Angeles, CA. #imcrazy #bikesaregreat #ladybikesladyhikes

A post shared by Danielle Larson (@daniridesabike) on

  And then, as you might expect, I had total equipment failure and was shut down before I could even really attempt it. My shitty beginners craftsmanship did not hold up to coastal winds and passing semi-trucks, and it became clear that the solo bike trip was a terrible, terrible idea. 

Whelp. All of my equipment fell apart within the first 2 miles. No more bike trip. Further adventures are TBA.

A post shared by Danielle Larson (@daniridesabike) on

Britt and Dani take a road trip

IMG_7111 Luckily, I was driving back to Los Angeles in my sweet new ride (2003 Honda Accord, bitches!) and needed a driving buddy to talk about boys with and blast Beyonce.  Dani was stuck in Portland with all her bike gear, so she hopped in. I always wanted to go to San Francisco and drive over the Golden Gate Bridge, 

and I always wanted to go on a road trip with Britt,

And we were trying to figure out the perfect song to play as we crossed the Golden Gate Bridge at night with all its pretty lights. 

Except Britt‘s phone wasn’t working and time was running out. 

At the perfect moment, XO from Beyonce’s new album randomly came on and melted our brains BECAUSE WE LISTENED TO THAT SONG OBSESSIVELY AT NEW YEARS 2014. It was one of those perfect moments that is hard to describe. That song is what it feels like to be in love. 

Which we are. *Sigh*

Dani hikes 100 miles

Once our badass road trip was over, I was pretty bummed. After all of that hopeful planning and preparation, for my bike trip, I had failed. Just straight up set a goal and failed miserably. I had nothing to do for a month and my mind was starting to return to its old habit of constantly daydreaming about the apocalypse. I needed to reset. So I did the logical thing. I bought a couple maps, tossed all my backpacking gear in the trunk, and drove to Mammoth Lakes, California. I set off on an 8-day, 100-mile, solo backpacking trip in the Inyo National Forest and Yosemite back country. Just me, my gear, and all this pretty: photo (1)

Dani turns a Quarter Century OLD.

10548710_10203292730493301_4989329901981872816_o BEST BIRTHDAY EVER. We moved the couch to the backyard, had a little campfire, and drank much wine.  All of my beautiful roommates handmade me beautiful gifts, and my beautiful Britt wrote me an amazing song and made everyone at the party sing it. I also ate 5 different kinds of gluten-free baked goods. 

September:

Dani starts rehearsing her Master’s thesis, The Three Play Rep

Britt joins a social-change punk-rock band

10608504_10203380068196085_7491220549764919846_o

 Britt moves into a REEAAAAL room! After a year of living in a fake one! 

1

Before (glorified sheet room):

Apt 2

After (real room with real people walls and doors):

Apt 4

Look! I have stuff! Look at my stuff!

Okay okay so maybe these look exactly the same, but I PROMISE YOU I am a little bit more like an adult now because I have walls for walls and not sheets for walls. Also I have my own bathroom and shower and closet and kitchenette so THERE.

October:

Britt celebrates her One Year LA-Versary

oneyearLAversary This was probably the most challenging year of my life and definitely the year of the most growth.  I could not be more full of love for the people I have in my life and I’m so incredibly lucky to live under the same roof as my best friends. I win everything. 

DAMN STRAIGHT. Britt freakin’ killed it this year and fought like a badass to work towards living the life she wants to live. I could not be more proud of my girl. 

November:

Britt is self-employed. AKA Professional Life Scavenger. 

IMG_6302 Step One:  Drive to Culver City for therapy.  12 MILES

Step Two: Drive to Hollywood for a work meeting. 8 MILES

Step Three: Drive to Calabasas to tutor a student.  24 MILES

Step Four: Drive to San Pedro for rehearsal.  50 MILES 

Step Five: Drive home to Echo Park to pass out.  26 MILES

Total-Distance-Driven-in-Britt’s-Average-Day: 120 MILES

Total-Waking-Hours-Of-Britt:  17 HOURS

Total-Taylor-Swift-Jam-Sessions-in-Car: CANNOT COUNT THE NUMBER. TOO HIGH. 

Britt does a light classic Greek comedy.

Oedipus You may have heard of this hilarious romp. It’s called Oedipus the King and it involves a lot of incest and self-mutilation.  Apparently 2014 was not done making me do super brutal and Freudian Greek plays. Also, there is nothing quite like standing around outside in the rainy cold by the coast half naked and covered in body paint to teach you about commitment.  THEATRE IS HARD PEOPLE. 

December:

Dani goes to Russia

seagull Ok not actually. But I did start rehearsing a play called “The Seagull” by which is set in Russia. So in my mind I’ve been spending a lot of time in Russia. Part of the Master’s thesis. More to come on this subject… 

Britt and Dani have a very, VERY Ke$ha Chri$tma$ (again).

IMG_0628   Say what you want about us, but we can sure throw a party. Especially if it is Ke$ha and Miley themed. 

Britt is going to Slamdance

BON Slamdance A film I did in 2013, Birds of Neptune, is having its world premiere at the Slamdance Film Festival in Park City, UT!! Holy BALLS!!! This is such a huge honor. I am so proud of my BON fam. The festival runs alongside Sundance, so we will be able to take advantage of all of the fun and badassedry that is attached to that, as well. But basically… I am freaking out. Like a little girl. SO. Excited. ————

….anything you wanna know more about? Write it in the comments and we’ll retro-actively post. Just live that shit all over again, like it’s No Big Deal.

———–

Stay tuned for a sneak peak into our 2015 Evil Plans to Take Over the World. BECAUSE WE’RE BACK Y’ALL!  BACK WITH A VENGEANCE!

HELL YEAH!  BETTER WATCH OUT WORLD, WE ARE COMING FOR YOU! WHY ARE WE YELLING?! WE SIMPLY CANNOT STOP. OR MAYBE OUR CAPS LOCK IS BROKEN AGAIN… FUCK.

FUCK. I THINK THAT IS WHAT IS HAPPENING, ACTUALLY. BRITT, WHY ARE WE SO POOR?

 I DON’T KNOOOOOOWW 

MUCH LOVE,  

DB

dani and britt kicked 2013 in the face! happy 1st bday, Two Evil Actors!

Holy moley. Did we have a year, or WHAT, Dani?!

Holy shitballs, Britt.  It was crazy.  What do you think was the craziest thing we did in 2013?

Start this blog, obviously. 

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, BLOG-MATE!!

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, TWIN-WIN!! 

Today is the One Year Anniversary of Two Evil Actors, and we thought this would be a good moment to take a look back at 2013 for a little highlights tour. To get a juicy, in-depth look at the crazy shit that happened to us this year, click on the sexy pink hyperlinks. Obviously, the first stop on this tour is…

We are BORN!!

NANTS INGONYAMA BAGITHI BABA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yo, Britt, did you know that those were the words to the Lion King song?  

Yes. Because I know ALL of the words to The Lion King. All the lines, and all of the lyrics. 

Damn, dude, I’m impressed.  I always thought it was “Ahhhh svegenya swuhduhgee vuhdada!!”  Turns out the lyrics are Zulu for “Here comes a lion, Father.” 

Of course it is.

Well.  Now that THAT’S cleared up.  We’ve veered off course as usual.

Typical.

 BACK ON TRACK, EVIL MOFOS.  And now for… (drumroll please)  THE YEAR 2013 IN REVIEW:

Britt goes viral

… but in a healthy, Internet kind of way.

Dani goes crazyballs

The winning rant. Based on charlie sheen and his crazy ways.

…in a losing-my-mind, grad school kind of way.  WINNING.

Britt comes out of the closet and moves into a closet

I came out of the closet about my secret dream to move to LA… but moved into my little brother’s frat boy basement like a real adult first. 

Dani gets a smartphone

This was MOMENTOUS for me.  Now I can check my email FROM MY CELL PHONE.  What will they think of next?

Britt stars in a movie

10 life-points earned! 

Girl, that’s like 1000 life points.  Truth be told, my girl was involved in too many badass projects in 2013 to even include all of them here.  My sista found some great collaborators and art-ed all over the place.  HELL yeah. 

Dani learns some damn discipline

Apparently I had to go to grad school in order to learn how to be an adult.  Just trying to whip myself into shape here, people. 

Britt and Dani are reunited (and it feels so good)

Watch out, Society. Total World Domination = Imminent.

Britt’s house burns down

I promise you– I am not making this shit up.

Dani goes to India

photo 1 (2)

There is no way I can sum up that two months of my life.  All I can say is that it was incredibly life-changing. 

Britt has a cancer scare

Everything will be okay.

Dani and Britt have hotswetymonkysex

WakingUpTheNextMorning 2

Ewww not really.  That would be incest.  But we did have a blast playing “the googlesearch game,” AKA What-the-hell-are-people-looking-for-when-they-stumble-upon-our-blog.  Turns out, people google some weeeeeiiirrd shit.

Britt quits her day job

And it feels so good.

Dani gets culture shock… in America

I had a hard time adjusting to being back in the United States.  I smoothed the transition with alcohol and had an EPIC August in Los Angeles.

Britt goes viral… AGAIN

I got drunk on a spaceship. Truth.

Dani has an existential crisis

It was a weird Fall.  Incorporating my experiences in India into my life in Los Angeles, Writing a one-woman show, Rehearsing a million things for grad school…. WHO AM I??

Britt eats a BIG MEAL

I have the time of my life working on an incredible show at Artists Repertory Theatre.

Dani stops eating everything

That’s right.  Everything.  I find out that I’m essentially allergic to wheat, corn, dairy, sesame, sunshine, and air.

Britt moves to LA!!! (And Dani’s poppin’ bottles)

We’re everybody’s favorite shitshow.

Dani has the Time of her Life

photo 1

Check out that sex-machine.  I got to play a boy in The Time of Your Life and act my ass off in a bunch of other stuff at USC.  Confession: I kinda miss having a dick.

Britt survives the jungle

I’m Queen of the Urban Jungle, baby. Or–at least–the Queen of being Dirt-Ass Broke.

Wow.  Between the two of us there were some super high highs, some super low lows, and just about everything in between.  I have to say though, I am so proud of the resilience and strength of my Britt, because she had one topsy-turvy year.  That is a lot of artistic creation and a lot of major life change for one person in one year.  

And I could not be more proud of my Dani girl. Her passion, bravery, and big open heart led her halfway across the world for a quarter of a year to immerse herself in a different culture and way of life, and those same Dani qualities inspired her to create bold and beautifully honest work in her intensive program at USC in 2013. That is a lot of artistic creation and a self-discovery for one person in one year.

As for myself, it’s hard to map the subtle changes that have taken place in me over the past year, but from where I’m standing, my internal terrain has shifted drastically.  I feel more honest, more myself, than I have ever felt.  For better or for worse.  

And from a Britt perspective, a Brittspective, this year has transformed me more than any other. It inspired me and shook me to my core. I have felt broken, I have been afraid, I have had moments of extreme clarity and have been surrounded with more love than I have ever experienced. And although I am far from having it all figured out, 2013 has made me the luckiest woman I know and I am so, so thankful.

In my opinion, we did 2013 right, even if we didn’t know what we were doing half of the time.

(…Typical.)

Yeah, that seems about right. 

Let’s ride that Furry Tractor of Badassedry right into 2014.

Bring it ON 2014!!

We love you guys.

~ dani & britt

 

the googlesearch game

Happy Friday, everyone!! From Portland, Oregon and Ladakh, India, your friends Britt and Dani would like to give you a little weekend treat.

Yes. Happy Friday indeed.

And this Friday we would like to introduce you to a little game that Dani and I like to call: “The (Exclusive Two Evil Actors) Google Search Game”. Welcome aboard, sports fans.

As you may recall from our oh-so-popular post“hotswetymonkysex” (which, oddly enough, got WAAAAAY more hits than any of our other posts… thanks a lot, you gross f*ckers), good Christians from around the world type very questionable things into search engines and find our blog.

…I know, SHOCKING. Because we are so appropriate and PC. It’s hard to believe.

But the stats don’t lie, people.

In the past, our blog has been discovered by typing in popular buzz-words and phrases such as:

“gypsy transvestite”

“american actors all look the same”

“tickle torture”

“kittens saying poop”,

and of course, the ever popular: “hotswetymonkysex”.

…And that’s just in one week, my friends. Each week brings whole new box of gems. And lucky for us, I’m sure each week also brings tens of millions of new follows who happened to stumble across our incrediblog by typing in the catch-phrase: “bitches be like size doesn’t matter”.

So, without further adieu, here are the winners of this week’s edition of the Two Evil Actors Google Search Game:

“flying fart gif”

“crying at desk”

“bitch please i’m a virgo”

“shoulder stand girl lift and carry”

“peanut birthday”

“two bitches are together”

“meditation posture ‘fart’ ” (…do we see a theme here?)

…and my personal fave:

“pigments of your imagination clown”.

I’m so honored to know we’re reaching such a broad and diverse audience. We are truly making a difference here, people. We’re giving back. That’s called COMMUNITY.

Now go forth and do something epic for your community this weekend. Hug a kitten that knows how to say “poop”.

love from your evil farty yogi peanuts,

evilactors

~britt who is sort of pretending to be dani right now & dani who is in India

‘MERICA!!

That’s right. From different corners of the world, with Dani in Leh, Ladakh, India and Britt in Portland, Oregon, USA, these Two Evil Actors would like to wish you a fun and safe Blow-Shit-Up-And-Eat-Barbequed-Meat-To-Celebrate-Freedom-Day, wherever you are geographically located! Happy 4th of July, ya Crazies. FUCK YEAH!

Let’s get all ‘MERICA up in here!

And, for a little holiday bonus, here is Dani and Britt circa Independence Day 2011. All you need to know is that we were participating in a themed bar crawl where our team dressed up as Charlie Sheen, His Angles, and Cocaine. D and I professed our undying love for each other in a back alley in Chinatown (PDX) while drunk people puked around us. I remember it being a beautiful moment. That’s friendship. That’s love. That’s ‘MERCIA.

this is what freedom looks like.

this is what freedom looks like.

Play safe kids. Until next time,

~britt & dani

reunited (and it feels so good)

This was me and Britt this past week:

Who was Peaches and who was Herb? You decide!

Actually, this was us this past week in sunny, sunny Los Angeles:

photo (2)

dani, britt, & the fucking OCEAN.

As was this:

DaniBritt

move along, people, there’s nothing to see here.

We had way too much fun you guys. I can’t even wrap my head around it. I was trying to remember everything we did and I couldn’t.

Me neither. My four days with Dani were pure magic. A magical, glittery blur.

We may have even had some experiences that too closely resembled The Hangover Part 4, but I’m not permitted to talk about that.

I was so caught up in talking incessantly with my Britt and laughing my ass off and wrapping up my first year of M-F-Acting Grad School that I pretty much failed to capture any of this on camera to share with y’all. But here are some highlights!

And don’t worry, we’ll have plenty of relevant pop-culture GIFs to take the place of otherwise documenting our zany adventures. We got ya covered.

1. Mother’s day brunch at Venice Beach with my Momma! My parents were in LA to catch my performances of Don Quixote, so we had the joy of eating Mother’s Day brunch at Figtree’s Cafe and I am 99% positive that everyone who saw us assumed we were twins. NBD.

WHO IS WHO?! I HAVE NO IDEA.

2. Britt invades USC!! I took Britt to campus to see the last of the culmination performances of this semester, and once again tricked everyone into thinking we were related. In all seriousness, we want a nickel each for every time someone says, “Oh my God, you two look SO MUCH alike!” We would be MILLIONAIRES. It’s awesome. I like to think of it as external proof that we are soul-sistas.

USC takeova.

USC takeova.

And I would cash in my tens of millions of nickels to buy laser cats.

Holy CRAP though. It was an honor to watch the first and second year MFA students’ final performance work this week. There are some talented fucking actors in this program. I want to shower them all in love and praise!

first years

MFA first years

MFA second years

MFA second years

Whether Dani (and USC, for that matter) likes it or not, I will ninja into being the eleventh member of their MFA class. Or, at the very least, I’ll be everyone’s favorite stage-mom.

3. Britt reunites with old friends! Not only did Britt reunite with yours truly, she got to see some old friends from years past! Highlights include…

Mikey Thomsen. ERS Manager at Deloitte and soon to be MBA badass at NYU.

Mikey Thomsen. ERS Manager at Deloitte and soon to be MBA badass at NYU.

Avital Shira~Portland-based, work-in-every-major-city theatre goddess

Avital Shira. Portland-based, Work-In-Every-Major-City Theatre Goddess and all around Badass.

Hillary Burrelle, third-year law student at Loyola Law and future Queen of the World

Hillary Burrelle, third-year law student at Loyola Law and future Queen of the World

4. We discovered these amazing smoothies at Urth Caffe, thanks to the lovely Hillary Burrelle, and had them three times in the four days that Britt was here.

photo (3)

Seriously, you guys. These smoothies are crack and I am already having withdrawals from the sub-par smoothies in Portland.

5. We went to the ocean! Here is Britt conquering Mother Nature at Playa del Rey.

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And here is Dani conquering a sand-cliff. Don’t mess.

Kingofthemountain

6. Dani and Britt jam!!

Dani captured in a moment of music serenity.

Dani captured in a moment of music serenity.

When we live together down in LA LA Land, we are going to have the most musical house on the block. I wish I had room on my carry-on to travel with my new ukulele, cause you know that shit would have gotten CRAZY. We’re about to have some dueling Lady Gaga guitar/uke times, just you wait.

I can’t tell you how wonderful it was to have my bestie with me in Los Angeles. She seemed so at home here, and it was definitely living proof that in about four months, Britt will be conquering the whole damn city of Los Angeles. I’ll let Britt speak for herself, but post-reunion, I am feeling ready to take on India and come back to the City of Angels to continue the world takeover by Two Evil Actors.

Any fear or second-guessing I had about making making the move to Los Angeles dissipated when Dani and her parents picked me up at the LAX airport. The whole trip filled my soul and gave me energy. Thinking of my imminent move makes my chest vibrate with excitement… and I came back to Portland feeling rejuvenated and ready to work hard to prepare for this relocation.

I know that this new adventure will in many ways be stressful and sloppy and LOUD, but I truly do not know if I have ever looked forward to something so much in my life.

So watch out world, cause this Two Evil Actors reunion is about to become a permanent thing.

…It’s fucking ON.

we love you hard,

dani & britt

band of brothers, brothers and BANDS.

If there’s one thing Dani and I love most in the world, it’s music.

Truth!  One of the first things that Britt and I did together was to be in the musical “The Threepenny Opera.”  Needless to say, Britt played a beautiful angel in gold and I played a pimp.  Good times were had by all. 

PIMP HAT + boob make-up. Thank you, '08.

PIMP HAT + boob make-up. Thank you, ’08.

What else do we love most in the world, Britt?

… our rad BROTHERS. 

Hell yeah!!

That’s right, people. In one incredi-post, we are going to give you the perfect blend of brothers AND bands.

…Exactly.

This is my bro, Nate Harris.

He is not this blurry in real life. Well... most of the time.

He is not this blurry in real life. Well… most of the time.

And this is his band, Anachronda.

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Here they are playing at a kdup event.

They are pretty rad.

Here’s my bro, Eric Larson:

Eric isn’t really this blurry in real life either. He is however, this artsy and rad.

This is Red Hands Black Feet:

Red Hands Black Feet: post-rock pinball wizards.

Red Hands Black Feet brings you complex, subtle, and earth-defying soundscapes that will take you on a mothafuckin’ JOURNEY.  Through the universe.  And possibly your soul.  It’s a genre called “post rock”: think Sigur Ros meets Punk Rock meets Ravel meet Schoenberg.  Or just think about getting on a rocketship and launching into space.

Holy shit!!

In fact, they are currently developing an EP called “Hail Sagan” inspired by the history of space exploration.  (HOW RAD IS THAT??)  Rumor has it that the upcoming EP is full of surprises, including the possibility of introducing vocals to the already luscious RHBF sound. But don’t worry!  You don’t have to wait to enjoy RHBF in your life!  You can download their full album for free off  their website by giving any size of donation you feel like giving.  (Could it get any better? I don’t think so!)

I think I may be in new music heaven right now.

And for a final treat, here is an original song brought to you by me and Nate, out of the legendary basement closet-room itself:

Ahhhh!  A refreshing dose of new music!  Sure does a body good!

Damn right. Play us off, Jon.

ROCK.

enjoy your weekend,

dani and britt

me time

If you’ve read this blog before, you have probably read a few posts about a problem that Britt and I often encounter as actors/functional adults; a problem that may be the biggest challenge of choosing to make the arts your career path:

CRAZYBALLS / NOT-ENOUGH-TIME

Preach, sister.

Britt and I are both doggedly pursuing art as a career, which means we end up living double-lives in the meantime.  There are the “adult-y” things we have to do to make ends meet and there are the creative projects that we fill our lives with in order to stay artistically alive.  This equals a ton of man-hours of work, which is why I kind of giggle when I hear this attribute stereotypically assigned to artists:

LAZINESS

And THAT is bullshit!! Some of the most independent, hard-working, entrepreneurial folks I know are artists (including my Dani and Yours Truly). I often think of artists as ninjas… and you KNOW those ninjas trained their asses off to learn how to be badass and invisible. While also paying their ninja bills somehow.

south park ninja

Damn straight, Britt!  THIS is the truth people:

good-things

So true. And doing all of the crap we do, while trying to stay sane and be functional and decent human beings at the same time, is quite trying at times.

So my lesson of this week has been that IT IS OKAY TO TAKE SOME “ME TIME.”  Okay, yeah, it is somewhat trite, but seriously, I have to remind myself of this or my busy-ness will start to chip away at my sanity. 

IT IS SO IMPORTANT!

Honestly, some days I just feel like:

When really, I want to be more like:

See? Cat Ninja. This cat ninja is kicking ass and working shit out. Probably because she allows for plenty of cat-Me-Time when not out kicking major dog and gopher ass.

Damn straight! According to my half-assed research on the internet (AKA googling it), cats spend 13-16 hours of their day sleeping.  Straight up SLEEPING. That doesn’t count the time they spend eating cat food and stretching and licking their balls.  I’m not about to publicly divulge how much time I spent this week eating cat food and licking my balls (too far? maybe), but let me give you an example of how I carved out some time for myself on Monday..

Dani’s super-special-me-time Monday:

  1. Get up in time to go to class (skip workout and get a full night of sleep)
  2. Go to movement class,
  3. Use the three hour break to LEAVE CAMPUS (gasp!), go to BIKRAM YOGA, and spend too much money on this absurdly delicious sandwich at Atwater Village Farm
Raw Falafel Burger by Nelson's Living Gourmet. Literally the tastiest thing I have EVER put in my mouth. (That's what she said.)

Raw Falafel Burger by Nelson’s Living Gourmet. Literally the tastiest thing I have EVER put in my mouth. (That’s what she said.)

4.   Come back to campus for 3:00 p.m. scene study class, feeling rejuvenated
5.   Stick around campus for rehearsal until the sun is long gone from the sky

Way to go, D. I’m proud of you. You are self-care MACHINE. And that falafel burger looks AMAZING.

Dude.  It seriously was. No joke.  Although, damn girl, I feel like part of the whole “me time” thing is not over-committing myself, and saying no when I need to.  When you take care of yourself, you are better able to do the work that you DO commit to.  I just read a great article by David Cain on Thought Catalog about being conscious of the things that you commit yourself to doing, and how they take up space in your head and heart.  

I also found this little gem especially useful, courtesy of Justine Musk:

25-Ways-To-Say-No-Web-SQ-300x300

You should really do yourself a favor and check out the entire post by Justine Musk. Some of my favorite Badass Reasons to Say No (which I am sure I will use in the near future) include: “I’d rather stick needles in my eyes” (#3) “or your eyes” (#4), “My schedule… is up in the air right now. See it wafting down the corridor” (#5), and “I would love to say yes to everything, but that would be fucking stupid” (#15).

I would also like to give a special shout-out to reason #23, as it explicitly states hotswetymonkysex as a Badass Reason to Say No to things. And you know how Dani and I LOUURVE talking about hotswetymonkysex.

Hell yeah!  We are trying to get as many horny teenagers to read our blog as possible.  Too far again?  Maybe. Yes. Definitely, yes. 

…It’s never too far.

Anyway, remember to take care of your hot selves this week by doing some hot and sweaty bikram yoga, eating tasty food, and saying NO to people when you need to. 

Yeah, back the fuck OFF, world!! Britt and Dani told me to take some Me Time!! (You’re welcome)

live-long-and-prosper-tee-shirt-cbs114bLove and kisses,

dani and britt xoxo

reunion tour

SOON. Dani and I will be REUNITED!!

what WHAT!!!!!!!

That’s right fools. In exactly one month’s time I’ll be getting on an airplane and zooming down to the City of Angels to visit my dear D before she leaves for India!! GLORY!!!!!!!!!

ERMAHGERD!!!!!! Words cannot contain my intense excitement.  Neither can my pants.  Because I just pooped them.  Not only do I get to see Britt before I go on my India adventure, BUT ALSO:

This will be the last time I see Dani before I move to LA myself. How’s that for a reality-check? Holy shit!! It’s GO-TIME!

Life = Change, and the best part about it are the people with whom who you share all the craziness.  And as some very wise (and possibly stoned) people once said, “Friends are the family you choose.”  Alright.  That’s as deep as this post is gonna get.  IT’S SATURDAY!!

Amen, sister. By the time we are reunited, Dani will be done with school for the year and I will full-on have my Vacation Face on, ready for action. I mean… WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN?! What will the week hold?! We may do some embarrassing shit. We may even get arrested.

just another day.

B and D circa 2009, being embarrassing and getting arrested. Nothing has changed.

Or maybe we’ll just do yoga and beach time and go to that meditation center D was talking about. Whatever.

But mostly we’ll just be awesome.

Any peeps want to meet up with us during our SuperFunTime? Hit us up! May 12th-16th, y’all!!

Our interests include talking about art, long walks on the beach, drinking in sketchy bars, and terrible karaoke.  Professional and non-creepy requests will be considered.  No, we will not accompany you to your isolated cabin outside of cell range.  Yes, hanging out with us is EXACTLY like reading our blog only with the added risk of pissing yourself and waking up on a park bench.  

If you CAN’T meet up with us, or if you don’t have the balls (or ovaries), you can still look forward to reading some dual-blogging mayhem when are both IN THE SAME CITY!  Who KNOWS what wonders that might hold?  We sure as hell don’t! But there’s gonna be a whole heapload more where that comes from once I am the proud co-resident of Los Angeles with the one and only Britt Harris!!

…Actually that’s not true.  There is one other Britt Harris.

Thomas Britton "Britt" Harris IV is the current chief investment officer of the Teacher Retirement System of Texas, the public pension for the state of Texas.

Britt Harris is the chief investment officer of the Teacher Retirement System of Texas, the public pension for the state of Texas.

But we don’t need to talk about him.  

Yeah, WHY does this guy show up before me when you type “Britt Harris” into google image search?! DAMN YOU, Mr. Britt Harris!! You are my true nemesis!!

We also don’t need to talk about how many other “Danielle Larson”s there are in the world.

Okay, true.

What were we talking about again?

I have no idea.

Oh yeah!  My new boyfriend/love of my life!  He’s a real gentleman. 

And remember kids… gentleman do not give you crabs. Not even if those crabs are, in fact, gentleman.

crab gentlman

mwaaahaaaa…

See you in the loony bin (aka LA LA Land),

~britt & dani