28 things you need to know about britt in her 28th year

…Well, I suppose that TECHNICALLY this is my 29th trip around the sun, but Earth Culture assures me that I am 28 years of age. My Saturn is returning. And all that stuff. Planetary. giphy Thank you, Neil.

And now, today, on this, the 4th Day of the Month of May (it rhymes!), about 7 weeks after my actual, special Friday-the-13th birthday (whoops), and about 970 weeks since my last post (sorry), here are a few things to catch you up on in the incredibly not-boring goings-on of my life:

1.) I’ve got Homes in Different Zip Codes.

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My dear friendThe Suz gave me this beautiful plant, which I affectionately named Nan, to anchor me wherever I stay.

Read as: “Vagabond”.

I currently reside in Park La Brea, Altadena and Echo Park (I promise you I am not joking), with pit-stops in places like Culver City, Silverlake, and Hancock Park in between. What can I say? My sterling house-sitting reputation precedes me. As a wandering artist subletting her room, I am not complaining.

2.) Continuing on with the vagabond theme: I’ve been on more airplanes this year than ever. (And I hate flying.)

This is how I fly now. Remind me to tell you about my whirlwind Seattle trip later.

Who AM I even?! This is how I fly now. I am a monster.

… I think I’m getting better at the whole flying thing, though. I’ve got a supplement-popping, face-covering, booze-in-flight drinking system that works for me, so don’t worry about it.

‘Cuase let’s be real. I’m not flirting with that bitch mono again.

3.) Birds of Neptune is majorly making its presence known in the festival circuit this year after its smashing world premiere at Slamdance Film Fest in January.

I just got back from Arizona International Film Festival in Tucson, where Birds of Neptune won the award for Best Dramatic Feature!! Holy CRAP! BON AIFF And if that wasn’t an honor enough, the film was also selected to screen again on the final night of the festival for the “Best of Fest” celebration. 11118363_10101271935952336_419600120065064236_o …An encore screening? Yes, please!! Thank you, Tucson! 😀 

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with BON director Steven Richter.

Up next on the festival trail? Mammoth Lakes Film Fest at the end of the May. Hopefully you’ll be seeing me all over the globe promoting this film. This is just the beginning! 😀

4.) In addition to the humbling love we received for the film in Tucson, I received a Special Jury Award for Best Performance for my work in the film.

Holy FUCK!!

Holy FUCK!!

This is how that made me feel. (Nothing feels better than skipping down the red carpet. Nothing.)

This is how that made me feel. (Nothing feels better than skipping down the red carpet. Nothing.)

WOOOOAAAA! I am on cloud 9 from this, truly. Tucson was such a special, surreal, magical place, and this recognition is such an incredible honor.

5.) I still self-employed and loving it.

One of my many offices around the city. I promise I am working here. #WORKINGIT

One of my many offices around the city. I promise I am working here. #WORKINGIT

A detailed look at my cubicle.

A detailed look at my cubicle. Somebody pinch me.

6.) Dani and I went aboard The Queen Mary to witness the marriage of our dear college friend Hillary:

What a DREAM she is!

What a DREAM she is!

…Which made me think that perhaps I should live on a boat at some point in my life. Because, COME ON.

We make this look good.

We make this look good.

7.) DANI IS GRADUATING FROM HER MFA SOON. This means we are writing sketches and screenplays and music. And romping around outside. And actually using our Twitter account.

So, basically — Two Evil Actors, the Content Creators, are stampeding your way SOON, betch!! Mark my words! FEAR US!

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What’s not to love?

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But really though. You want this.

8.) I am writing a lot of music these days. I hope to record my stuff later this year, so I will keep you posted on that. All of this material is all super personal to me so it is SCAAAAARY. Which obviously means that I have to do it. guitar9.) Speaking of recording music, I had the opportunity to record music with my very talented brother for the first time in March.10947417_604953582940001_8820304260459440803_oI was lucky enough to be in Seattle for an audition when my brother Nate and my cousin Cameron were recording the first EP for Nate’s music duo, NW Passage. (Think of Nate Harris as the Ryan Lewis to NW Passage’s Macklemore. He is a genius.) They asked me to record vocals on some of the tracks. It was SO fun.

In studio with my cuz Cameron, sound engineer extraordinaire, and musical genius, my bro, Nate.

In studio with my cuz Cameron, sound engineer extraordinaire, and musical genius, my bro, Nate.

Look! Cute photos of me and bro in the studio!

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Nate being annoyed of my Genius.

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Me being annoyed of Nate’s Genius.

10.) STILL speaking of recording music– I have finished recording basic vocals for the first No Vanquished album!  Screen Shot 2015-05-01 at 9.30.07 PM It won’t be long now ’til we release and UNLEASH this music into the world!

11.) I am in love with Los Angeles, IMG_2832 but Portland has my heart.

And I am in a constant state of reconciling this emotional and geographical dissonance.

12.) I took a few covert Portland visits this year to feed my heart. 

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My sweet little mini me, Agatha.

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I love her!!

Short and sweet and sad, it hurts me a bit to come back to Portland now. It confuses me and makes me wonder where I am supposed to be. I don’t think it will always be that way, but…. what is it they say in that one song?

Yeah, something like that.

Anyway. My heart is in Portland. Y’all knew that.

13.) Surprise, Mom! I got a new tattoo. IMG_2493 I was born ass-first on Friday the 13th (it ALL makes sense now, right?!) and my birthday happened to fall on Friday the 13th this year. So, naturally, I needed to get a Friday the 13th tattoo. 

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I also got this tatted across my back. Kidding. Not kidding. Wait what?

I must note that Dani and our good friend and housemate Raisa got Friday the 13th tatts that day as well. Because we are part of a gang.

14.) I am officially the USC MFA program’s biggest stage-mom. I could not be more proud of my Dani, who recently completed her THREE SHOW REP (AND NY & LA Showcase!), each of which, I saw two times. Trust me, I would have seen these shows every night they were running if I could clone myself. This girl inspires me everyday. True to her nature and talent, Dani killed it in each show with every character she lived in, but her portrayal of Nina in The Seagull especially took my breath away.

Nina is SUCH a difficult role to nail, you guys, and it takes a REALLY gifted, insightful, brave, and effective actor to be able to play the arc of this role. It was one of the most incredible performances onstage I have ever seen and I wish I could show each and every one of you her incredible work. I feel stupid even talking about it because I can’t quite find the words to quite articulate how much I look up to my best friend and how proud of her I am.

So, I’ll just dumb-it down by saying: “YOU ARE AMAZING, DANI!!” 

My little DaniBird. D in USC's production of

My little DaniBird. D in USC’s production of “The Seagull”.

15.) As if the film fests I am already going to haven’t been enough, I decided to party-crash a good chunk of the Newport Beach Film Festival with my new Aussie friends that I met at the Arizona International Film Fest.

I tend to look more legit when at parties I ninja into. Also, my mom took one look at this photo and told me I had Drunk Eyes. Thanks Mom.

I tend to look more legit when at parties I ninja into. Also, my mom took one look at this photo and told me I had Drunk Eyes. Thanks Mom. Pictured: EP Sam Eather of Aussie film “Love Is Now” (look it up).

I drank a lot and ate a lot and consumed 7 s’mores at one event and had a very nice time, thank you. 

Also, I felt fancy.

16.) I am really itching to travel. I hope that the stars align to grant me an international trip (or five) this year. I think the odds may be in my favor.

(Come on, come oonnnnn Birds of Neptune International Premiere..!!)

Yeah. You like what I did there??

Yeah. You like what I did there??

17.) I’ve decided that I really want a pet but am truly TOO VAGABONDY and poor to be a good dog or cat mom (see #1 & #2 above). 

See?! I'm even in my car in this pic! I am never NOT DRIVING.

See?! I’m even in my car in this pic! I am never NOT DRIVING.

18.) SO I’ve made many new dog friends around town. (Also my ulterior motive for all of the house-sitting I do.)

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dog spoon > every boyfriend, ever. Sorry.

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WOAAA PUGGLE

19.) AND I’ve made many new cat friends around town. 11044993_10152921894767639_8296777836104554201_n20.) I’ve discovered that the older I get, the more I dress like a child.

Do I ever wear NOT animal prints?

Do I ever wear NOT animal prints?

Pretty sure I had this same outfit at 4 years old.

Pretty sure I had this same outfit at 4 years old.

21.) Okay… uhh.. god… thinking of 28 things is actually pretty hard… let’s see, um..  ….I’ve been eating a LOT of pizza lately? Like, a lot?

...surprise, surprise, in airports, too, people.

…surprise, surprise, in airports, too, people.

22.) Ummm… it rained in LA a lot this past month? And that was weird? IMG_2838 23.) I don’t know why I am ending things in question marks all of a sudden?  giphy-2 24.) Maybe because I’m avoiding big parts of my life?

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(c) Allie Brosh, my spirit animal

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(c) Allie Brosh, my spirit animal

25.) Okay, let’s get real here for a second. Because 2EA believes in that shit. 

Also, we are a meme. So automatically anything we say is awesome.

Also, we are a meme. So automatically anything we say is awesome.

After all, we are real humans with real feelings.

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(c) Allie Brosh, my spirit animal

So… sigh. Okay.

Though the external evidence of this post may suggest otherwise, I have a pretty sad heart right now. For the first time in, well, ever, I am unclear of what is next. My internal compass, which is usually pretty strong, is not so strong right now. I don’t know what it’s supposed to mean or what I am supposed to do. I feel sad and scared and slightly stupid. I don’t know, it’s hard to explain and weird to talk about. Depression has been a thing. Top Tier / Grade A / Boss-Level Heartbreak has been a thing. Crippling anxiety spiral has been a thing. 

And yet, here I am. Still bravely loving, still going hard at my dream, still refusing the conventional day job… 

I am doing my best. I know that one day I’ll crack the happy code. One day I won’t feel so misplaced and scattered and alone-on-an-island-y.

Good Portland omen.

Thank you, Good Portland Omen.

Luckily, I have learned more about myself and what I truly want out of life during these weird heart times. I’ve had to make some really hard decisions, decisions that more often than not have left me with the exact opposite outcome of what I thought I wanted, and through this, I am learning to trust. I am learning to trust my instincts and the order of the Universe. I am learning to breathe into my decisions and into my follow-through. To tell those I love that I love them. To not expect anything back. To be vulnerable. To be a voice of reason. To be a hard-ass. To be a softy. To be what I need for myself in this moment. To acknowledge that no one and nothing is forever, yet allow myself to take comfort in the feeling that some people and some things never truly leave.

Perhaps knowing what I want has somehow made the path I travel seem more indirect or treacherous. Maybe I’ve finally realized the true challenge of committing myself 100% to living the life I want. This is not a life of allowing cop-outs and stifling my feelings and feeling obligated and beating myself up. I realize now that there is nothing more challenging (and more important) than taking care of myself and taking care of my sweet dear heart in the same way that I wish to take care of those I love. It’s no easy thing.

And let’s be real, being a human is just fucking hard. 

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(c) Allie Brosh, my spirit animal

26.) I’ve also had the feeling that this year may be the kick-off to some very important self-discovery: 

I’ve discovered that I feel the most myself when I am on the move. In transit. Exploring. Adventuring. Wandering (I’m sure you’ve picked up that vibe in this post so far). This is also when I feel the most lonely.

There is still so much to discover within myself and sometimes (most of the time) that internal terrain is so rocky. I cry every time I am in an airport. Every. TIME. It’s an odd feeling: always leaving the ones I love, always coming back, this weird ping-pong sensation — but there is truly no feeling that compares to the huge hug feeling from a loved one upon arrival or departure — that pure happycryjoy or happycrylonging –that is the shit that makes me feel alive.

11071470_10203850372608232_7585567630056711546_n 27.) I have the very best friends in the world.

Sweet sweet incredible Dani threw me a surprise party the night of my birthday in March and I seriously had no idea. I felt so loved.

My sisters. Dani and The Suz.

My sisters. Dani and The Suz.

Joy.

Joy.

Class Photo: The Current and Former Residents of the PRL. Missing: Aussie Michael and Electric Grandma Lucia Babe. And Napoleon the Pomeranian.

Class Photo: The Current and Former Residents of the PRL. Missing: Aussie Michael and Electric Grandma Lucia Babe. And Napoleon the Pomeranian.

28.) Let me say it again: I have the very best friends in the world. We build slip-n-slides in our backyard out of trash bags, tarp, and baby oil.

Dani and I engaging in a little bit of competitive Slip-n-Slide drag racing. NBD.

Dani and I engaging in a little bit of competitive Slip-n-Slide drag racing. NBD.

TRIMUMPH. You put up a good fight, D.

TRIMUMPH. You put up a good fight, D.

In closing, so far, 28 is looking like this: Screen Shot 2015-04-08 at 4.07.56 PM A little bit scary. A lotta bit fun. I may accidentally sprain an ankle trying to get a running start down that Big Slippery Blue Tarp of Life, or belly flop in a way that fucking HURTS and knocks the wind out of me, and I may cry about it for a while, or curl up in the fetal position for a sec, but I will always get up.

And, let’s just call it like we see it, folks: Really. I don’t even take that shit off for slip-n-slides. 

Thank you for reading, friends. And for your love and support in my life. You keep me going. ❤

Harris, upon the Returning of her Saturn, OUT. IMG_2048

New York, I Love You

“You know, this is what I’ve always liked about New York. These little moments on the sidewalk, smoking, thinking about your life. You can watch the buildings, you can feel the air, look at the people, sometimes meet somebody you feel like you can talk to.”

Almost exactly three years ago I was in New York, staying in Astoria, Queens, taking the N train into Manhattan, and dreaming big dreams about my future.  My apartment back in Portland had been annihilated by flooding days before, so I had no home to speak of, my heart was at least half broken, and I was on my way to Colorado afterwards, another place that was not my home.  I was sort of desperate but I had a sense of perpetual motion propelling me forward, so I was happy in a way, and elated by New York. 

The first time I got on the N train this time around, I was watching the Manhattan skyline approach before the train plunged under the river to spit me out in the heart of Manhattan to perform my culminating USC Acting Showcase, the last project of the most transformative, important, and best three years of my life, and I couldn’t help but cry.  I couldn’t stop.  The deeper under the river the train carried me, the more my tears insisted on leaking out of eyes.  I did not have the same shaky fear and deep insecurity that accompanied me the last time I rode this train. I was not the same person and yet I was more myself than I had ever been. 

On my last day in New York,  I wandered the East Village and Greenwich Village and I found myself in a quaint gluten-free Italian restaurant, a cozy sanctuary from the bitter Spring breezes where I could write and drink espresso (spiked by contraband Irish whiskey because let’s be real).  New York is poetry in motion.  There is something about this city, about the struggle combined with the triumphant moments that make it a transcendent place to exist.  

And yet the last time I was here I yearned to stay here, to exist in the fast-paced struggle and glory. But this time, my weak-ass palm-tree-loving sunshine-basking LA blood was like “daaaaamn you’re not gonna move here right?”  New York, I love you, but I also love LA.  It’s the same madness but it’s more spread out.  Plus in LA there is this:

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Observe. Sunshine, Sand, and Britt Harris

I’m from the wild west and I love the wild west. 

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Yeah that’s right, mysterious cowboy. Life has a way of giving you exactly what you need at exactly the right moments, and I trust that I am exactly where I need to be. 

After the showcase on Tuesday, I budgeted three days to be in New York to take all of the fabulous meetings and auditions I would have from all of the people who were just dying to work with me and I got…

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Ah yes. That moment as an actor when your ego gets bitch-slapped and you have to just take it in stride and trust that you are still on the right path. That moment when your friends can’t hang out because of all their auditions and meetings.  That moment that your friend calls you and asks for help preparing to audition for your favorite musical of all time.  That moment when you try to drop your headshot off at a casting office and get rejected hard. 

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So what does one do in New York when one’s dreams of working here have been snatched away by the cold, quick hand of reality?

1. Hang out with these angels.

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These are my hosts with the mosts offering me tequila and gluten-free cookies on my first day in New York. That blue-eyed Oregonian boy on the left is the soon-to-be-world-famous Connor Bond, a badass actor with whom I have shared the stage many times. 

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…Okay we also may have shared a couple shots of tequila as well.  That’s a throwback to the good old college days. 

Anyway, the blue-eyed Oregon boy on the right is the soon-to-be-world-famous Devin Olson, another actor extraordinaire with whom I have shared the stage many times. 

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That’s a college throwback to “Rumors” by Neil Simon, when I unsuccessfully tried to seduce Devin but successfully used him to make my husband jealous. Check out that hair flip y’all!  Proof of my inner PIMP. 

Connor and Devin live in the very same apartment shared by Devin and Sammi the last time I was in NYC. 

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You may recognize Sammi from my hiking adventures.  

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THE POINT IS that this family runs DEEP and this entire trip to New York would have been worth it just to see my boys.  

2. Take yourself on baller ass solo dates. 

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My favorite theatre in NYC is The Public Theatre and I got to see “Buzzer,” a sexy new topical play by Tracey Scott Wilson.  The play was great, and the guy sitting next to me most definitely had Tourette’s, which was a new play-going experience for me.  And let me just say, it was great.  We had like all the same reactions to the play but he got to have, like, BIGGER reactions.  It was seriously awesome. Shout out to you, brother. 

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This is the view from Senza Gluten, the only gluten-free Italian restaurant I’ve ever encountered, and the place from which I wrote a lot of this post. Baller. Ass. Solo. Dates. 

3. Kiss a monk on the subway. 

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That’s Khen Rinpoche, my host when I was in Ladakh, India two years ago.  I hadn’t seen him since I was in India. And it was so nice to be reunited with him.  He is just pure presence and pure love.  And he loves holding hands and giving kisses.  Even if you are getting on the subway and people look at you like you’re crazy. He also loves selfies. 

4. Go to Happy Hour. 

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‘Nuff said. Who says I wasn’t taking care of business in New York?

5. Check out an awesome independent bookstore. 

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Look at that nerd nerding out super hard in the nerd section. #winning

6.  Get drunk and ride the subway. 

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You guys. I have an uncanny homing device when drunk and alone in cities.  It has never once failed me.  Washington D.C., Amsterdam, Shanghai, New York, Los Angeles. BRING IT ON. Also I’m sure I’m not the first lady in a pretty dress to pee in an inappropriate place in New York.  Am I oversharing? I promise I’m not an alcoholic. 

7. See “Hand to God” on Broadway. 

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Okay so if you’re in New York maybe you’re all like, “Ooooo I want to see The Lion King” or “Maybe a nice Rogers and Hammerstein would be nice.” Let me just say, and pardon my French, FUCK THAT NOISE AND GO SEE “HAND TO GOD”.  Sweet holy crap-monsters this was like, top-5 playgoing experiences of my life.  The sheer technical mastery of the actors alone is worth it, not to mention the writing, and the subject matter, and the soulfulness of the show, and the TOTALLY UNAPOLOGETIC COMPLETELY BADASS experience.  It is not for the faint of heart but like, grow a pair of ovaries and/or testicles and fly your ass to New York and go see it.  It can and should change your life. 

8.  Write love letters to someone far away. 

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…Wouldn’t you like to know?

xoxox

Dani

someday we will be reliable and consistent. like your poops.

Trying to get Britt and I to do something with any level of consistency is like trying to tutor a puppy in math. 

Actually I do that. Only with children, not puppies. 

No difference.

P.S. I literally just google imaged searched “puppy math” and this was the first thing that popped up: sadpuppy2 AHHHHhahahaha!! That puppy doesn’t know how to use that calculator!! SOMEBODY TEACH IT!!

AHHHH hahaaa, I KNOW!!!

…Okay okay, okay, but truly — trying to get Dani and I to do something with any level of consistency is like trying to teach a horse how to ride a bicycle. 

Why would a horse need a bicycle?  Horses are faster than bicycles to begin with. 

I don’t know about that. 

Dude have you ever googled “horse bicycle”?? It’s awesome!!

Horscycle. As old as time itself.

Horscycle. As old as time itself.

Horscycle. Available today!

Horscycle. Available today!

horse

Horses CAN ride bicycles. We need a new metaphor for this post.

That unicorn made that bike its bitch.

That unicorn made that bike its bitch.

Weren’t we supposed to be talking about something? (…And way to out-do me with Ye Olde Google Image Search, Dani, you asshole.) 

Hehehe I AM THE GOOGLE MASTER!!  ….Ahem. CONSISTENCY!!  Like the kind you experience when you take Metamucil every day or the consistency of what happens every time you stick a paperclip into a power outlet. 

Ah, yes. That. Trying to get Dani and I to do anything with consistency is like….

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Make this stop.

…Does this visual metaphor even make sense anymore? Also, I saved this image on my desktop as “KnifeSocket”.

BRITT!!

What?! DANI!!!

We have an important message to share. This is the whole reason why we are trying (and failing) to write this post in the first place… so that we may write other posts!! And eventually take over the world!!

Sigh. Yes. Discipline. Consistency. Being a (*stifled laugh*) Grown-Up. Blah blah.

We, Dani Larson (and *stifled laugh* Britt Harris) vow to be better Evil Twins and to bring you more consistent Evil Blog Posts starting now, this Month of March, in this Year of Our Lord, 2015. 

And if we fail, we will still crawling come back to you. Remember how we posted three times a week for a year then straight-up didn’t post for fifty-two weeks after that??

Yeah. We remember that too. 

We will do better.

(c) The Incredible Allie Brosh

(c) The Incredible Allie Brosh

Because we love you.

(c) The Incredible Allie Brosh

(c) The Incredible Allie Brosh

And we love us.

(c) The Incredible Allie Brosh

(c) The Incredible Allie Brosh

See you next time we do stuff. 

WHICH WILL BE SOON. 

Mark. Our. Words. 

Love,

Dani & Britt

dani talks preparation

Word on the street is that grad school is hard. But you know what I hear is even harder than regular grad school?   Med School.  Now, I’m not a medical professional, but I assume that the reason for that … Continue reading

dani gets lost in the wilderness

I’m listening to Brandi Carlile and crying right now.  Right?? SING TO ME BRANDI!!  YOU ARE MY EVERYTHING!!** I mean hell. Britt and I talk on the regular about the things that we scream-cry to in the car. Personal favorites … Continue reading

Dani writes a letter

To the middle-aged pilot dude who I sat next to on United flight 5484 on January 6, 2015**

((**No, I was not sitting in the cockpit. Although that would’ve been rad.))

I just wanted to thank you for the awesome career advice you gave me. Because you dated an actress that one time you totally know everything there is to know about being an actor, and you were so insightful to recognize that I’m not actually a real actor. thank you Seriously, thank you so much for calling me out!  You’re totally right! You’ve never seen me on a TV show, and I am definitely not famous, so I am definitely not an actor! Why doesn’t anyone else get that?  I am a total fraud! dog in suit It was also super thoughtful of you to do this while I was trapped in a metal death cage hurtling through the air and strapped to the seat next to you, so I couldn’t escape the conversation. anigif_enhanced-18632-1411418304-1 Normally, I would tried to set you on fire, or set myself on fire, or set anything that happened to be near me on fire, but since I couldn’t take my lighter through security I was safe from that fate, and I was able to really listen to your wisdom.  panic-airplane-o Oh! And I know you were asking me about who took my headshots, because apparently your ex-girlfriend got her headshots taken by the “top photographer in LA,” so I just wanted to follow up and show you my headshot so you can either approve or disapprove of it. 

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FOR THE LOVE OF GOD APPROVE OF ME!! I NEED THE VALIDATION OF A RANDOM DUDE ON A PLANE!!

I still am not sure who the “top photographer in LA” is, because I’m 95% sure that is not a thing that exists, but this shot was taken by Daniel Scherl, who has like a super pimped out resume and stuff.  And this is just a test shot! I was just helping him test a new lighting setup! He’s like, really fucking good and stuff!  APPROVE OF ME/HIM/US!! VALIDATE ME!! airplane-sucker-punch-o No? You’re just going to punch me in the soul with all of your dumb thoughts?  Alright Mister Pilot. internal scream Hmmm now how can I prove to you that I am, in fact, an actor. I mean, you are totally right, I am not signed with CAA, the most influential agency in the universe, like your ex-girlfriend was, but I swear to you, the agency I was telling you about that was fool enough to sign me in the PacNW, Ryan Artists, is a real thing. I know you’ve never heard of them, but like, you’re a pilot, so that makes sense. They even got me a job this one time playing a nurse in a training video for a bunch of hospitals.  i-m-not-a-doctor-but-i-play-one-in-the-emergency-room-until-security-shows-up-216 AM I LEGIT YET?? Oh my God do you want to see my resume??  I acted onstage at the Lincoln Center once!  I was in theatre companies and stuff! I can sing opera! I was in “Nunsense: The Musical” when I was a teenager!  

Can I send you my taxes so you can see how poor I am too???

WHY WON’T YOU LET ME JUST SIT ON THE DAMN PLANE AND READ MY PAPERBACK IN PEACE?

WHY WON’T THIS PLANE JUST CRASH AND RELEASE ME FROM THIS HORRIBLE CONVERSATION?? anigif_enhanced-32725-1411422190-1 Britt, you were right all along. The shark is the most heroic animal in all the animal kingdom.

((Ugh. I’m lying. I WISH a giant shark had taken down that plane and put me out of my misery, but unfortunately we were flying over land, so I was out of luck.))

Well Mr. Middle-Aged-Privileged-White-Pilot-Man-With-Impeccable-Knowledge-of-the-Entertainment-Industry-and-World, stop being a dumbass No, you have never seen me on your favorite TV show. No, I don’t have $2000 headshots and a big ole fancy douchey agent. But that doesn’t mean I’m not an actor. 

You are right: baking a loaf of bread does not make you a “baker.” You can’t just wake up one morning and decide that you’re an “actor.” But once you’ve baked 10,000 loaves of bread, if you don’t have the courage to call yourself a baker, then you’re a fool. It doesn’t matter if someone hasn’t heard of your bakery. 

I’m getting my goddamn Master’s degree in acting. I’ve spent at least 10,000 hours doing it in my lifetime. No one is going to give me the validation of calling me an actor except myself, and at this point in my life I have the self-respect to do just that. I’ve had this conversation too many times with too many people, and too old And you know what?  Even if I HADN’T worked on acting for 10,000 hours, I WOULD STILL BE AN ACTOR.  There are too many people in the world like you who want to invalidate the arts as a profession for us not to call ourselves actors and artists and writers.  We don’t need your approval to be artists.  

So forgive me for prioritizing my novel over your ignorant, judgmental commentary in the guise of fatherly advice, and forgive me for doing this at the end of our flight:  cat leaving with suitcasesMaybe if your stupid airline hadn’t canceled my original flight the day before because a STUPID PILOT landed at the wrong airport or delayed our flight today by two hours because the STUPID PILOT overslept, I wouldn’t have been up since 3:30 a.m. and totally incapable of human conversation. Although human conversation doesn’t seem to be your strong suit either, so I guess that’s cool.  I hope that the next time you sit next to an actor on a plane, it’s a real actor, so you can have a real conversation.  jon hamm I mean Jon Hamm looks like he is flying mega-first-class, but still. Maybe you’ll get lucky. 

All my love, Dani

P.S. To all of those actors/artists/writers who have sat through countless conversations with people who try to devalue or invalidate what you do, or who otherwise try to make you feel like an illegitimate human, here are a few suggestions on how to avoid these conversations in the future. 

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Pretty self-explanatory. It’s hard to criticize someone who is literally on fire.

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Distract them with literally anything. A conversation about chlamydia would probably be more pleasant than what you’re currently talking about.

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Weep uncontrollably out of nowhere. Especially if they ask you, “Can you, like, cry on command?” They’ll probably be super uncomfortable when it actually happens.

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Vigorously pick your nose as they talk. If you’ve got the balls, go ahead and eat one. They will probably stop talking to you, and eating that booger will be worth ending the conversation.

And finally, I hate to use something twice in the same post but it is just too good, if you are on a plane, you can always hope that this happens:anigif_enhanced-32725-1411422190-1

Britt says, “Happy 2015 betch, you get MONO!!”

KA-BLAM! 2015! Things are going great. Your career is taking off. You’re sort of, almost, over your death-fear of airplanes. You’re in love a little bit. The RAC album is on loop in your head. You walk with swagger. You look fly as hell. Things are GOOD. 

2015 is gonna be GOOD.

Then.

FUCK YOU, BETCH!! YOU GET MONO!! BWAAHHAAAA!!!

WHAT.

Fuck.

OFF.

Mono. Mono?!?! I somehow have mono. Who even GETS mono anymore?! Is this not a middle school thing?! I’m a grown-ass woman! And, yes, thank you to Every-Person-Whom-I’ve-Ever-Told-That-I-Have-Mono, no, I’m not kissin a bunch of rando-s up in here. I know exactly where my mouth has been, thankyouforyourconcern. It’s just– AGHHHHH– how did this happen?! And could this have come at more terrible time?!

I remember saying to Dani sometime last year when I was going a million miles an hour and my life was hanging in a delicate balance of Crazy / Awesome (any given day): “Ha! You know who could never, EVER afford to get something like mono?!”

Me.

Fun fact. It took me 36 (or so) attempts to write this fucking post. Because I keep getting too tired. TOO TIRED TO LOOK AT A COMPUTER SCREEN and TYPE FOR A MINUTE. I will get through part of a sentence or a half a thought and then completely lose my will to live.

But that’s okay. I keep at it. I will finish this post purely because I’m a stubborn asshole. Persistence. I’ve got that in spades. 

….What is the point of this post exactly? How will I know when it is over? Will I ever get through the tunnel of this sick-vortex? I don’t know the answer to any of these questions, but all I know is that if I don’t finish this post today, THE MONO HAS WON.

But really. I feel like I’m a prisoner in my own body. I could get into the nasty, woeful details, but I feel snarky today so I’m going to take that as a good turning-point-in-my-health sign and go with it. All you need to know that this is Day 11 and this is hands-down the sickest I’ve been in my adult life. One night (Night 4, I believe), I was home alone and sincerely thought I was going to die. True story. (I didn’t.) (True story.) You also probably need to know that I’ve watched all of the episodes of Parenthood and cried into my pillow (and it SUPER hurts to cry but not as much as it hurts to eat and drink. And be idle. GodDAMN it hurts to be idle…) and called my mom practically every hour on the hour. Maybe you didn’t need to know that last bit, but there you have it anyway. Slice of patheticBrittsicklife.

I’ve been super lucky though. I have the best friends in the world. I’m fairly certain I would be dead right now if nursemaid Dani wasn’t here making me eat and taking me to the doctor and the pharmacy and writing with me and loving on me and saying encouraging things like, “you’re gonna make it, kid!”. 

I just need to get stable before I take off on another jetplane on Friday. That is my goal.

But you know what guys, you know what?! I am still making genius art whilst on my death-bed! Dani and I shot this beautiful piece starring my hand and her dino set. It confronts the complexities of universal longing and interspecies love, as well as bravely tackles the issues of diversity, ignorance, and the thread that binds us all together (love). I hope you enjoy.

There.

I hope that constitutes a “button” on the end of a barely-passable stream-of-consciousness sick post. You get what you paid for, betches. I woke up like dis. Pucker up, lemme kiss yaaa.

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Super Mono Girl, OUT.